


Phallus Gigantus

by lyraonyx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Crack, Humor, James Potter Being an Idiot, M/M, Magic Cock, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Remus Lupin is So Done, Sirius Black Being an Idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:26:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29487468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyraonyx/pseuds/lyraonyx
Summary: When the Marauders find a questionable spell to make them irresistible to the feminine population of Hogwarts, Remus has a feeling he'll be stuck cleaning up the mess. Severus is thoroughly entertained by the results.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Comments: 17
Kudos: 114





	Phallus Gigantus

#  Phallus Gigantus 

The sun shone on Remus' charms book, lighting the passages he needed for their most recent essay, due in three days. His friends, as usual, had elected to leave their work to the last minute, and had taken advantage of Remus' library pass to check out a book on human alteration or something of the like. As he knew full well they wanted to become animagi for his benefit, he pretended not to notice and kept his attention on his work.

> _"Great care should be taken when using engorgement or shrinking charms upon magical beings, as the power intrinsic to a magical being's body blends too seamlessly with the current pattern of these particular charms. Only a qualified healer should ever attempt such spells upon a living being, as uncontrolled size alteration charms can have devastating effects on the body. In fact, these spells are highly regulated and illegal when used upon a living being without a healer's license._
> 
> _"Should one ever run afoul of a misdirected shrinking charm, the counterspell is_ Haltus Reductus _, used in tandem with a reverse five-point wand movement. In the case of a misdirected engorgement charm, the counter spell is—"_

The sound of a hushed snicker derailed Remus' train of thought, and his focus faded into an all-too-familiar sense of weary trepidation. God, he had heard _that_ sound too often not to know what it meant. Bloody hell, what moronic stunt had those idiots dreamed up _this_ time? 

Remus closed his book and grimaced. James, Peter, and Sirius hovered over the book from the restricted section, each with identical shit-eating grins.

Oh, _brilliant_.

James snickered. "Bet Snivellus would fall over himself with jealousy if we used this."

Sirius smirked. "It'd probably shrivel up and fall right off of his scrawny arse."

Peter giggled. "Or he might get all randy."

Sirius and James shot him horrified looks.

"Wash your mouth out," James said with a shudder.

"Eurgh. You'll put me off my dinner like that." Sirius mimed gagging, the giant arse.

Peter huffed. "Well, he _might_."

Sirius conjured a pillow and smashed it into Peter's face. 

Privately, Remus thought the idea of Severus all hot and bothered was rather… nice. Not that Severus would believe him if he dared say so, no thanks to his _friends_ and their bullying ways.

Merlin, sometimes he wanted to strangle those clods.

"Moving _on_ ," said James with a scowl, "this would make us the talk of the school, boys." His expression shifted to a dreamy smile. "Lily would _have_ to notice me then, right?"

Sirius smirked. "And if she doesn't, all the other girls will be queuing up for a turn."

"Yeah, yeah." Peter grinned. "Bet even Sinistra would want a piece of us."

Aurora again? Remus shook his head. For all her beauty, the much-coveted seventh year girl was married to her telescope. Betelgeuse would go supernova before Aurora noticed anything beyond her star charts.

"Come on. Let's try it." James grinned. "Can't hurt, right?"

Remus had the feeling that it absolutely _could_. "Um, guys? Whatever you're plotting sounds like an exceptionally bad idea."

"Oh, don't be a limp noodle, Moony." Sirius snickered at his own joke. "Though I reckon we could fix that problem now."

Oh _no_.

"No, I take it back. Whatever you're plotting is _definitely_ a bad idea. You'll—" Remus attempted to snatch the book from James, but the prat lifted it out of reach.

"Ah, ah, ah." James tiptoed so the shorter werewolf couldn't reach the book. "I'm not letting you ruin this plan. I've waited too long to catch Lily's eye, and this will do it for sure."

"Yes, you'll probably catch her eye—when you _blow off your penis_!"

"It'll be fine, Moony." Sirius grabbed his arm and dragged him towards the lakeside path. "Come on. Live a little!"

Remus scowled. "That's precisely what I'm trying to—" 

Sirius took off running, dragging Remus behind him, and Remus' protest ended on a yelp.

"Sirius! Let go!"

"Nah. Not letting you spoil our fun!"

"But—"

"It's _fine_ , Moony," said Peter. "Lighten up."

"You idiots. I wash my hands of whatever stupid stunt you've planned."

"Oh, give it a rest, Moony." James dashed into the lead, book clutched to his chest like a precious treasure. "This way. Lily will be on her way back from the greenhouses by now. And Snivellus is with her, so we can rub his gigantic nose in it, too!"

Sirius snickered. "Now that's a plan."

Remus grimaced and resigned himself to yet another day of cleaning up his idiot friends' messes. Yes, times like this, he _definitely_ wanted to strangle the lot of them.

* * *

Severus walked beside Lily, basket of fresh ingredients in tow. It was a good thing Professor Sprout liked them both. She let them get away with taking a few free samples every day, and her generosity had gone a long way in aiding their research. 

"These tentacula pods look excellent," said Lily. "Do you really suppose they'll work in your new antidote?"

Severus nodded. "They have the right properties anyway, though I won't know for certain until we test it."

"True." Lily grimaced. "We had best make sure to put on all our protective gear that day. Given how volatile venomous tentacula are, I don't want to think of the chaos they would cause in an adverse reaction."

"Ugh. Good point. Maybe I should include some lacewing flies to counter the—"

"Hey, Snivellus!" 

Severus scowled at the too-familiar voice and whipped out his wand. "Naff off, Black. No one wants you here."

Black leered and gyrated his hips. "Sure about that?" Beside him, Potter grinned and wiggled in time. Pettigrew joined in, and the trio of waggling pelvises damn near made Severus gag.

"Ew." Lily grabbed Severus' arm. "Come on. Let's get away from those idiots before they put me off dinner."

Potter pouted. "Aw, come on, Lily. Don't be so cold."

"Serves you right." Lupin staggered out of the woods, panting and flushed. "Bloody stupid arses."

Severus smirked. At least one of them had some degree of sense.

"Oh, shove off, Moony," said Black. "Just for that, we won't do you."

Lupin glared. "Oh, however shall I live with such _crushing_ disappointment?"

Severus snorted in spite of himself. Lupin gave him a wan smile. 

"Do yourself a favour and don't watch whatever these idiots are—"

"Traitor!" Potter shoved his hand over Lupin's mouth. "Don't listen to him, Lily. You won't want to miss _this_. Ready, boys?"

"Ready!" Black took out his wand, and Severus prepared to defend himself, but the fool aimed it at himself instead. Potter and Pettigrew imitated him the next instant. Oh Merlin. _Now_ what did those morons have planned?

Lupin muttered, "No, don't do it, stop," in a weary, deadpan tone. "Why do I even bother?"

"Dunno," said Potter. "'S not like we listen."

"Yes, I've noticed."

"You'll notice _this_ for sure." Potter smirked. "Keep your eyes on me, Lily. One… two… three!" 

Severus tensed. 

" _Phallus Gigantus_!" 

As pink light surrounded each boy's hips, Severus hurriedly translated the Latin to himself. Wait. No, they hadn't _really_ —but their trousers were growing tight and ballooning at the seams, and their grins were fast turning to grimaces. 

Severus smirked. Oh, he would enjoy every second of this.

Potter squirmed and wriggled around, trying to escape the ever-tightening constriction. "Shit! Ow, ow, get them off!"

" _E_ - _Evanesco_!" Black's spell hit all of their denims, and Severus watched in an amused sort of horror as they jerked down their pants, too, to make room for their cocks, each easily the size of a centaur's bits and getting larger by the second.

"Heh heh," Potter gasped out, "b-bet you want this, huh, Lily?"

Lily gaped at them in horror. "You bloody _wankers_! Didn't you study for Flitwick's essay at _all_? Those charms don't _stop_!"

"What?" Black stared down at his elephant todger, now dragging the ground, and blanched. "Oh shit!"

"I did try to warn you." Lupin summoned a book and flipped through the pages quickly. "There was a counter in here…."

Severus watched their pork swords grow to the size of actual pigs, and a laugh bubbled out of him.

"Oh, oh my _god_." He burst into side-splitting laughter and doubled over in mirth. "Bloody hell, I couldn't have paid someone for blackmail _this_ good. Hahaha!"

"Severus," Lily chided, "it's not funny."

"Yes—yes it is, it's hysterical! Oh sweet Merlin. You should—should really stop humping anything that moves, Black. I hear those things are catchi—" Severus choked on laughter and howled until he couldn't see for tears. "Oh god, I need a pensieve for this memory."

He wiped his eyes, still snickering. He blinked his vision clear so as not to miss a second of this hilarity and caught Lupin watching him with a fiery gaze, book abandoned. Severus blushed and giggled a little. Merlin. If he didn't know better….

" _Moony_ ," Potter wailed from behind a John Thomas as large as a small elephant. "Stop drooling over Snivellus and make it _stop_ already!"

Lupin turned crimson and snatched his book up again. "Ah, right, right." 

Severus watched him with undisguised curiosity. So Lupin was interested, hm? Now _that_ would make excellent blackmail material. 

And Severus rather liked him, too. At least when he wasn't letting his moronic friends get away with murder. Then again, he had made a good point that those idiots didn't listen to any counsel but their own. 

He snickered at the cottage-sized trio of trouser snakes before him. Really, this would be a day to remember.

Especially since Severus knew the counter. 

" _Haltus Engorgius_." He grinned as the swelling stopped, leaving the giant-knobbed idiots whimpering on the Hogwarts lawn. "You're welcome."

Lily shot him a wry look. "You knew the counter this entire time, and you just let them…?"

"Do you not remember what they did to _me_ last week, Lils?"

Her expression hardened. "Good point. Serves them right then." She turned towards the school. "Well I'll throw you a _bone_ , Potter."

Severus snickered.

Lily smirked at him, then turned a disgusted glare on the knobheads. "I'll inform Madam Pomfrey that there's a medical… _situation_ on the grounds. I _do_ hope she's not too swamped to get to you morons, as I don't think those are going to fit through the doors."

Potter whined. "Lily, come on. You don't even like it a little?"

Lily gagged. " _Definitely_ not. I prefer my men human-sized. Let's go, Severus."

Severus waved her on. "Go ahead. I'm going to talk to Lupin."

Lily smirked. "Uh-huh. Good luck." She grabbed the basket. "I'll put these up for you."

"Thanks, Lils."

She nodded and, with one last disgusted look at Potter and crew, flounced off towards the castle. 

Severus waved Lupin over. "So… were those idiots right?"

Lupin blushed. "I—um—well…." By the way he stared at his feet and fidgeted, face crimson, Severus guessed that the bell-ends hadn't been lying, for once. He tentatively offered his hand, and Lupin took it with a shy smile. 

"You look handsome when you laugh, you know."

Severus grinned. "I imagine this will give me plenty of fuel to that end for years to come."

Lupin snorted. "You're not the only one."

" _Moony_!" Black whinged from behind his Hagrid-sized bits, "You traitor! Are you just going to _leave_ us like this? Shrink them _back_!"

Lupin snorted. "You should really research charms before you cast them. You see, shrinking and engorgement spells on a human are _illegal_ unless cast by a healer, and I have no intention of bringing the Ministry to my doorstep. _Wingardium Leviosa_!" 

Potter and crew made sounds of discomfort and shock as their giant pricks levitated a few inches off the ground. 

" _Incarcerous Sericum_ _Phalli_!" Severus conjured silken leashes around each massive plonker and grinned at Lupin. "Shall we?"

Lupin gaped. "You—you're really going to—" 

"Drag them around by their dicks, yes."

Lupin's hysterical laughter followed him all the way to the castle. Severus thought he looked rather handsome when he laughed, too.


End file.
